


Ends Unspoken

by sanvitheartificer



Series: Relocation [1]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: ASL, Agent O Heinz, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), I just wanted perry to be happy okay and apparently that involved some angst first, Just slightly more intense than canon fighting, Temporary Amnesia, asshole ex boyfriend oc, cursing, mushroom lesbian oc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24367576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanvitheartificer/pseuds/sanvitheartificer
Summary: Perry does not get to say goodbye, not really. One unfortunate misstep rips him away from the only family he's ever known, and it is clumsy, and abrupt, andpermanent.Or at least, it was supposed to be.(A story where Perry the Platypus gets relocated, and his family doesn't let him stay lost.)
Relationships: Ferb Fletcher & Phineas Flynn & Perry the Platypus, Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus, Perry the Platypus & Linda Flynn-Fletcher, Perry the Platypus & Peter the Panda (Phineas and Ferb)
Series: Relocation [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759360
Comments: 64
Kudos: 212





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry's first Thanksgiving with the Flynns and the Fletchers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! If you are re-reading this, this chapter was revised on January 3rd, 2020. (the story 'relocation meta', later in the series, talks about why.) If you're not, I hope you enjoy the story! Actually, I hope you enjoy the story either way. Enjoying stories is a fun time.

“ _This is it, then?_ ” Perry signed, looking at Apartment #7. The door looked a little chipped, fairly solid but easy to break with a kick to the right spot. He'd make a note of it for an _Escape 303_ sample problem tomorrow.

Lawrence said, “Yeah. You ready to meet the other kids?”

Perry glared. “ _Not a kid._ ”

“I was talking to Ferb, of course – oh, here they are now! Hello, darling!”

Two high-pitched voices shouted “Lawrence!” through the open door, echoed a moment later by Linda, who pushed a slightly damp curl behind her ear and said, “Lawrence! Ferb! Perry! I'm so glad you could make it. Come in!”

There was an extra table set up in the living room, and tripping hazards everywhere. If Perry's objective had been in the kitchen, he would need to use an acrobatic manoeuver to make it there unmolested.

“Are you Perry?” someone demanded.

Perry looked down. It was the taller kid. Something like Candy? He nodded.

“You can't talk, right? That's cool. I'm Candace! Why haven't you ever come over before? Ferb has come over bunches of times and he's way littler than you! Maybe you could be my friend. Phineas always hogs Ferb.”

Perry blinked, and then shrugged.

“Candace, don't bother Perry. Did you set the table?”

“I did that forever ago, Mom! When do we get to eat? I'm _starving!_ ”

Candace, Perry noted, was very loud. He hoped he never had to work with anyone that talkative. He could barely hear himself think.

Linda just laughed. “We'll get to that. Let Lawrence set down the casserole first, okay, honey?”

A few minutes later, they'd all managed to take their seats. Perry grabbed the chair closest to the exit, noting the window latches and the door locks. The angles in here were begging for a shootout. He shifted his seat a little closer to Ferb's high chair.

“Before we start, what are we all grateful for this Thanksgiving?” Linda said.

“Well, I'm certainly grateful for the invite! This is our first American Thanksgiving, and I believe next year might have trouble topping it, based on all the pie I saw on the counter back there.” Lawrence winked, and Linda giggled. Head tilted away discreetly, Perry rolled his eyes.

“I'm grateful for the fall leaves,” Linda said. “There's nothing quite like them outside of the Tri-State Area. It's so nice to be in good company, back in the place I grew up.”

“I'm grateful for family!” Candace said, and Phineas cheered, “Familyyy!” Ferb just nodded along.

Family? Perry suppressed a laugh. Lawrence and Ferb would hate him if they knew a single thing about him, and everyone else at this table was a stranger and a risk. If a supervillain stormed this building right now, Perry would barely get out of here with his own life; he'd have no chance of protecting the civilians.

That's all they really were. Civilians.

“Perry?” Lawrence prompted, turning to him with a smile. “What are you grateful for this year?”

“ _My acting class,_ ” Perry signed, and smiled. “ _I've learned so much already._ ”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phineas and Ferb find out that Perry is a secret agent, again, during a life-threatening incident, _again_. Their reaction isn't much better the second time round.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dialogue taken almost directly from the 2D movie :) Also, while I'm crediting things, I forgot to mention last chapter, but this story has taken inspiration from basically every human!Perry story on AO3, but particularly this series and its premise: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1315391. It's very good and you should check it out!

“Oh, there you are, Perry!”

Perry relaxed at the familiar welcome, letting himself into the backyard. Thwarting had gotten a lot more unpredictable since Doofenshmirtz had joined the side of good, and today had been a long day. It was good to be home.

“You're just in time to meet our new friend!” Phineas continued, gesturing at a tall man with a long green mullet, casually holding a wrench.

Ice flooded Perry's veins at the familiar face, relaxation evaporating instantly.

He hadn't thought of that catastrophe in years. Once he'd relied on Richard Q for everything, and now all he could see was an obstacle between him and his boys.

There had to be a way to get to them, but as Perry scanned the backyard, he knew there was nothing he could do that the boys wouldn't notice.

“Perry! Long time no see,” Q said, moving a few steps closer to Ferb. That wrench didn't look like one of the kids'. Perry growled at him, advancing a few steps.

“Perry, you know this guy?” Phineas said.

“Ri-ri and I have a _long_ history. We even dated in college!” Q said, with a laugh that was one labcoat from a cackle.

Phineas looked between Ferb, Q, and Perry. Perry could see Phineas picking up on his state of mind. He could be oblivious, but he had a certain knack for body language, and at the moment Perry was as tense as a coiled cobra. “Cool!” he said, at last. “So, Richard, what was it you wanted to show us, again?”

The tension in the air boiled over. In one smooth gesture, Q pivoted, and the wrench was at Ferb's throat. “Oh, boys. It's more about what _you_ can show _me_.”

Everything was impossibly still. Perry had one pocket laser, a grappling hook, a few lengths of nylon rope, his watch, some brass knuckles, several sets of Ducky Momo themed handcuffs (don't ask), and a giant electromagnet he'd had to pull out of the latest invention he'd thwarted, but Ferb was halfway across the backyard, and not a single move Perry knew would get him there fast enough.

Q did not give him time to invent something new. “Now here's how this is going to go. _I_ am going to tell you what I want, and _you_ are going to give it to me, without any fuss, any fighting, or any goddamn _gadgets_.”

“Wha – why would you do this? Let Ferb go! Perry's just a, a part-time novelist! He doesn't do much!” Phineas said, stumbling a few steps back.

Q smirked at him. “Sure, kid, I bet that's what he said. Novelist and handy-man, right? You're just his cover, so you don't get to know the real story.”

Viper-fast, he flung a small device at Phineas, which wrapped around his mouth and hogtied him. Phineas made muffled noises around the gag, eyes wide. “Don't move, and I might not kill your brother.”

He turned back to Perry, who was already three steps closer to Phineas, and barked, “Stop! God, this family has ruined you. Don't get any closer, or you'll find out what this wrench can do. Understand?”

Woodenly, Perry forced himself to nod. Q had betrayed him years ago, but some dusty corner of his heart found room to be shocked. Had he just been too stupid to see Richard for what he was back then?

“Good. Now, I need access codes. OWCA, COWCA, FOWCA, every code you know.”

Agent P put away the frozen fear and pain of the kid's Perry. Q wasn't stupid enough to let the boys go until he had the codes, but he _was_ arrogant enough to think Perry wasn't a threat, if he played this right.

“Take off your watch, and empty your pockets. Hat, too.” Q said, watching him closely.

Perry hesitated for effect. Immediately, Q dug the wrench into Ferb's windpipe, and he let out a breathy squeak of air that Perry knew would be branded into his memory for the rest of his life. “Now!” Q demanded.

Exaggerating his movements, Perry removed everything but the rope and the magnet and turned his pockets inside out, thanking whoever was listening for last winter's stage magic seminar.

Q gestured meaningfully. Perry unbuckled his watch, pressed the emergency button on the side, dropped it to the ground, and kicked the small mound of equipment away from himself.

Q smiled. “Good. Now, codes. Don't bother to bluff – I'll be checking,” he said, holding his phone aloft in one hand.

Perry paused for only another instant before, slowly, he began fingerspelling every access code he knew.

  
  


In the middle of the 9th code, frustrated and anxious that OWCA hadn't received his call, Perry heard the tell-tale whistle of a parachute failing to open and a high-pitched voice screaming in the distance.

Q frowned, and looked up for a split second.

After that, things happened quickly. The parachute _whomped_ open just before Agent O hit the ground, leaving him dangling upside down five feet from his target. Perry snatched the electromagnet from his pocket and turned it on, just as Q hit a button on his wrench. Perry dived into a roll, dodging the wrench sparking with electricity, a cascade of tools from the boys' pockets, and his own equipment. He tackled Q. He threw a punch and Perry took it, wrestling his arms behind his back and yanking the rope tight.

In less than a minute, it was done. Perry deactivated the magnet and pulled a pair of Ducky Momo handcuffs from the small pile of metal for extra security, and Q was well and truly restrained.

There was a profound silence in the Flynn-Fletcher back yard.

“Ow,” Heinz said, still upside down. “Uh, could someone get me down?”

  
  


Phineas didn't say a word as Perry untied him and checked him for injuries. A little rope burn around the wrists, but he seemed alright, physically. Ferb didn't speak either as Perry checked him over, but that wasn't unusual.

Then Perry cut Heinz down from the tree. He signed, “ _Are you okay? I thought tonight was your night off with Vanessa._ ”

Heinz shrugged. “I was the closest available agent. Wow, is this your _family_ , Perry the Platypus? They're so _small_! Are you two okay?”

Phineas broke his uncharacteristic silence. “Agent?” He asked. There was an edge of danger in his voice.

“Oh. So you haven't talked about that yet. _Uhhhh_ , so Perry the – the perfectly _normal_ human _man_ , I'm just going to step over to the _side_ here and maybe take this man back to, uh, _normal_ , _not_ -the-basement-of-a-secret-organization-without-a-cool-acronym _prison_.”

Despite the words, Heinz continued to stand there. Perry waved him off, most of his attention on the kids. “ _Good idea. Thank you, Heinz_ ,” he signed, and Heinz beamed at Perry, tipped his fedora, and dragged Richard through the gate.

The edge of danger was rapidly becoming a full-on armory. “You're a secret agent? And you've been living with us this whole time?”

And there it was.

He couldn't call this his worst nightmare, not after what had just happened, but it was up there. Fuck. _Fuck._ Perry closed his eyes, and Phineas said it.

“Was that evil guy right? Were we just a cover to you? I mean, were you ever really our _family_?

He stood there, hands silent. After all this time, he didn't have an answer. Nine years ago, Perry had looked at these kids with disdain. He'd tolerated Ferb, that was all, and he knew that was his real place in this family. All the love, all the acceptance, was for a Perry who'd never existed.

Phineas had forgiven him once, in another dimension, and Perry still couldn't understand _why_. "Trusting his family" didn't mean a thing, when Perry chose his job over them again and again.

Too much time had passed, but Phineas was still silent, staring at him, breathing hard. Perry shrugged, paralyzed.

“That's not an answer! Ferb, tell him that's not an answer!” Ferb was pinning Perry with a stare of his own, one hand in Phineas's, looking for answers that Perry didn't have.

For a moment, he considered the pamphlet, but what good would that do? They hadn't even glanced at it last time. It wouldn't matter soon, anyway.

“ _I'm a secret agent,_ ” he admitted, hands moving slow. “ _I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't._ ”

“Couldn't?” Phineas was scowling. “I – I'm sorry. I'm just having trouble processing this right now. Ferb and I are gonna go eat dinner, okay? If you decide you can trust us, let us know.”

Phineas started walking towards the kitchen. Ferb pulled his hand away from Phineas's. The two paused for a second, looking at each other, and then Phineas said, “Okay, bro,” and kept walking.

Ferb waited till Phineas had slid the door closed, and then lunged in for a hug. “Thanks, Perry,” he whispered.

Perry's heart was breaking. All the worry and guilt faded. Phineas and Ferb were safe, and that was worth whatever happened next.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry reports in, gets reassigned, and has an unfortunate interaction at Doofenshmirtz No-Longer-Evil Incorporated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My new job is kicking my butt, so I haven't had a ton of time to write lately, but that's what the buffer is for! Uhhh I don't have too much to say about this one but I hope you like it!

After that, there was nothing to do but report in to work.

Major Monogram was already glaring at him the moment he touched down in his chair. “Agent P! What do you have to say for yourself!”

Perry glared right back. “ _Civilians were in_ _ danger_ _,_ ” he signed.

Monogram steamrolled right over him without waiting for a translation, like usual. “You not only revealed yourself to your host family for the second time in a single year, you gave away eight separate top-secret access codes! This is unprecedented, Agent P!”

“Sir, we recovered the phone, and actually most of those bases had been shut down already – ”

“ – And to a rogue agent like Richard Q! _What_ do you have to say for yourself?” Monogram repeated.

Without much hope, Perry signed, “ _Civilians were in danger. It is my_ _job_ _to protect civilians. I apprehended Q._ " _  
_

“Sir, Perry was saying – ”

“No, no, it doesn't matter. Carl, have you begun the car accident protocol? We'll have to make this snappy. I have dinner reservations at 9.”

Perry's eyes widened. “ _The car accident protocol? But the Amnesia-Inator,_ "

“The _car accident protocol?_ ” Carl exclaimed, at exactly the same time. “Sir!”

For once, Major Monogram looked serious. “No. I realize we give you a lot of slack as our best agent, Agent P, but two breaches in a single year is too risky. And this time there weren't any weird second dimension shenanigans, either! We can't keep jeopardizing the agency to keep you with some random civilians.”

Perry almost choked on his tongue. _R_ _andom civilians_ …? And what 'slack'? When, over the past thirteen years, had he ever received 'slack' from OWCA?

“Now, let's get moving! Carl?”

“Sir, I-I actually have an idea,” Carl said. “Why don't we just use the Amnesia-Inator again? N-not, not to keep Agent P with them, _sorry Agent P_ , but, well, it's a lot less clean up than the car accident protocol, isn't it? Without him there, there won't be anything to trigger the memories!”

“By god, Carl, that's genius! We can erase him from their minds entirely _!_ ”

Carl looked guiltily giddy, which was a hell of an expression. Perry, meanwhile, felt as though he was processing the conversation from a million miles away.

 _Erased_. They were going to erase the summer days laying on the hammock with his boys. Feeding Ferb when he was a toddler. Playing Skiddley Whiffers with Candace and Phineas for the first time. The years and years of, “Oh, there you are, Perry,” the late nights and the long mornings, helping Linda in the kitchen and subbing in for Lawrence in the shop.

For one brief, golden moment, Perry imagined going rogue. He could take out the monitoring system with a few well-placed jabs, destroy his hat's tracking device, get to his car –

And then what? The fantasy ended at the lair's door. Could he hide from OWCA _and_ OWCA's enemies and maintain contact with his family at the same time? Besides, what had he ever done to deserve the Flynn-Fletcher family? Perry spent most of his time lying to them, disappearing to fight crime, and putting the kids in danger.

No, this was the right call. Agent P would do what Agent P always did, and obey.

He nodded, not letting any emotion show on his face.

“Excellent. Carl, fetch the Flynn-Fletchers, and any close family friends! Agent P, you go get packed. We'll have someone come by later and disable the lair entrances, so no need to worry about that, but be sure to leave it spotless!”

* * *

Major Monogram waited till Agent P had returned to his room via one of the entrances, and then sighed. “Our best agent, reassigned. Well, at least Doofenshmirtz has already been neutralized. And this is _way_ easier than staging another car accident!”

* * *

Packing wasn't hard. Perry owned a few sets of clothing, a small collection of platypus-themed knick-knacks Heinz and the kids had given him over birthdays and Christmases past, a laptop for his cover as a writer, and a handful of movies and books. Almost everything else was in his lair already.

Scrubbing his presence from the room he'd stayed in for almost a decade now shouldn't have been this easy. It took three weeks to have an overtime request routinely denied, but packing up his entire life took eight boxes and ninety three minutes, and he could be scrubbed from the Flynn-Fletchers' memories even more quickly than that. Had he really left such a small mark on Maple Drive?

But it was done. His suitcases were packed, the sheets changed, the floor vacuumed. OWCA agents had rounded up his family and anyone else who might remember him right after dinner, which meant he only had a few more minutes before they were back, sans memories.

Surveying the room one last time, Perry spotted a scrap of paper he'd missed.

The madness swelled in an instant and he'd uncapped a pen before he could think.

_Heinz,_

_I won't be around for a while._

_Be good to Vanessa and Norm for me._

– _Peregrin Montrema,  
AKA “Perry the Platypus”,  
your nemesis in eternal hatred. _

He stuffed the paper into one of his pockets, and then hesitated, ripped it in half.

_Phineas, Ferb, Candace, Linda, Lawrence,_

_I'm sorry._

The pen wavered. There was so much more to say, but what could possibly encompass nine years of constant betrayal, nine years of secrecy and lies? They wouldn't remember him anyway.

– _P._ , he signed, and left it in the top desk drawer before he could change his mind.

* * *

He had one more stop before he got on the road. Technically, he should've been halfway across the Tri-State Area by now, but Perry was of the belief that what Major Monogram didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

Perry took a deep breath, and rapped on the lab's door. It was a more reliable bet than the penthouse.

“Cooooooming!” Heinz yelled. Only a few seconds later he opened it, which had to be some kind of record. There was more than one reason Perry typically broke down the door.

“ _Heinz, I wanted to tell you in person. I've been reassigned. They're erasing my family's memories, but I was hoping you'd keep in touch._ ” Perry handed him the note, trying not to choke up. It didn't have any contact info, but it should be easy enough for Heinz to track him down through OWCA.

“Thanks for the _offer_ , but I've got _enough_ on my plate with all these praying _mantises!_ ” Heinz held up what looked like a clumsy origami praying mantis, cackled, and slammed the door in his face.

Perry blinked. Then he knocked on the door again, harder.

Heinz didn't wait for him to speak this time. “Look, get it into your _thick head_ _!_ I don't have time for you! And I don't want to see your _slimy little shoes_ darkening this doorstep _ever again_ _!_ ” He slammed the door.

Perry had barely begun to process the first slam when the door opened one last time. “ _And stay out_ _!_ ” Heinz yelled.

He stood there in the ringing silence for what felt like an eternity. After a few minutes, a thunderclap boomed and the heavens opened up, drenching him instantly.

Numb, Perry flew back down to the street, got into his car, and turned the key.

* * *

A few minutes later, Heinz Doofenshmirtz wandered over to answer the door, surprised to find himself already standing there. “Heeeeey, did someone leave my _Salesperson-Away-Inator_ on? I thought I got _rid_ of this thing after last tax season! Oh well, I guess it handled whoever _that_ was.”

Heinz reached over to turn the bot off, and spotted a note in its hand.

_Heinz,_

_I won't be around for a while._

_Be good to Vanessa and Norm for me._

– _Peregrin Montrema,_  
AKA “Perry the Platypus”,  
your nemesis in eternal hatred.

A grin threatened to split Heinz's face. “His full name is _Peregrin_ ? Oh, man, I am _so_ going to tease him about that – ”

The smile wavered. With the ease of long practice, Heinz rallied. “He'll come by later, at least to say _goodbye_. And we can always _skype_ _!_ ”

Heinz turned away from the door and nodded to himself.

“This isn't the end. It _can't_ be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> monogram: says 'what do you have to say for yourself' twice  
> also monogram: refuses to wait for an answer 
> 
> as for story notes: I think I was originally planning to split up this chapter into two parts, but I decided it works better as one chapter, so it's going to be five chapters total.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry makes it to his new city, and runs into an old acquaintance.

Perry hit the library desk in frustration, only narrowly avoiding the urge to throw the computer against a wall. His new assignment had managed to solidify San Francisco as his least favorite city nigh-instantly. He had been traveling for three days, and he was fucking tired of apartment listings he couldn't afford, and the inside of his car, and OWCA's silence. He hadn't received a single message from them since they sent his official reassignment paperwork.

Right now, Perry could've destroyed a training course in thirty seconds flat. Instead of doing that, he stomped out of the library. This was getting him nowhere. He would just go get a hotel for tonight, start again in the morning.

He was bringing up google maps for directions to the closest hotel when someone grabbed his arm.

Perry was halfway through a throw before he recognized the bastard who'd grabbed him. “ _Just me,_ ” Peter signed, smirking. “ _You're getting soft_.”

" _Thought you were stationed in Seattle?_ ” Perry signed, releasing Peter with some reluctance.

" _Yep. And so are you._ ” Peter was smart enough not to test his luck with the touching thing a second time, but he did start walking like he was expecting Perry to follow along.

Ugh. “ _San Francisco,_ ” Perry signed. “ _They assigned me to San Francisco. Some guy named the Commitment King needs thwarting._ ”

Peter shook his head. “ _They don't really need you here; trust me, the Commitment King will be permanently defeated in a few months at worst. I've got a spare couch, and Seattle has been dealing with a rash of new fungi-related crimes. You can file the paperwork in the morning for a transfer; it'll barely even count with how badly they've bungled this one._ ”

Perry wasn't sure if he was more confused, annoyed, or exhausted. “ _Why are you doing this?_ ”

Peter looked away. “ _Relocation isn't easy._ ”

They walked without speaking for a few more minutes, until Peter stopped right next to a Ailuro Inn. “ _I'll text you my address, since I assume you'll want to take your car. For now,_ ” Peter tossed him a hotel key card. “ _Get some rest, Perry the Platypus._ ”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heck, i forgot that this chapter is a really short one! oh well. the next one is long, if that helps? <3 i hope you all are doing okay, or if not, that you get through it nonetheless. sometimes that's the best we can do, and it's enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry adjusts to a new town and a new nemesis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a pain to write, but I think it turned out pretty good in the end. I hope you like it too!
> 
> (also, this is actually where the sixth chapter came from, so we've still got one more chapter to go for this story. oops! shoulda just kept the count at six...)

“ _So are you gonna lay on my couch and mope forever, or...?_ ”

Perry didn't dignify Peter with a response, just rolled over and buried his face in one of the uncomfortably scratchy pillows. The drive to Seattle had been less than peaceful, and the paperwork for the transfer was even worse. He was pretty sure he'd had to sign the same insurance waiver _six times_.

Peter, the asshole, ripped away the pillow to keep signing at him. “ _Look, Perry the Platypus, I'm not your personal caterer. It's been two days and you haven't moved from that spot.”_

Perry was half-tempted to shut his eyes, just to be obstinate.

“ _You offered,_ ” he signed, without much hope.

Peter rolled his eyes. “ _I know there's a two week grace period, but the new recruits are useless and there's been mushrooms on every menu in Seattle for weeks. Come on, we're getting you a new nemesis. Up up up._ ”

Perry groaned, but peeled himself away from the couch. “ _Address?_ ”

Peter smirked. “ _Figure it out, secret agent man!_ ”

* * *

  
  


Tracking down the new enemy wasn't difficult. There was only a single cave that matched the gigantic cavern in the background of her profile picture within fifty miles of Seattle.

Perry parked the hovercar in a nearby dirt parking lot and trudged over to the cave entrance on foot. Hopefully this would be over quick, because he just wasn't up for a big entrance today. If he was honest, he wasn't really up for any kind of entrance, but OWCA didn't “pay” him to crash on a barely-tolerated-acquaintances' couch.

– And, dammit, he was on the job, whether he wanted to be or not. Perry took a deep breath, stuffed the exhaustion and frustration back into its corner, and rang the doorbell mounted on the rock.

A tall black woman who couldn't be more than twenty-five peered out of the gloom. She lit up when she saw Perry. “Oh! Are you my new nemesis? Liz, come look, he's cute!”

There was a glint of goggles from deep in the shadows of the cave, and a sound like scales against metal. “You must be the new nemesis, right? He _is_ cute, Amanita! Love the hair. I gotta get back to work, but nice to meet you!”

The woman who'd greeted him giggled. “That's my girlfriend, Liz. And I'm Ama- I'm the _Mycolo-Miss!_ I've had a few nemeses before you, but they were all, like, newbies? So here's the deal; Liz isn't a hench, she does some occasional gadgeteering for me but mostly she's, like, a legit engineer, not evil at all. Don't hurt her, or I _will_ hurt you.” When the Mycolo-Miss leaned in, her towering purple dreds and goggles looked legitimately spooky.

“Fuck yeah, babe,” Liz shouted, already sounding farther away. There was a flash of what looked like fire in the darkness. Perry squinted for a second, and then turned his attention back to the Mycolo-Miss and handed her his card.

The OWCA extension was wrong, and it still had a “Nemesis: Heinz Doofenshmirtz” section. After two days of attempting to wade through OWCA's extremely outdated online forms to update it, Perry had given up. Instead, he'd scribbled that out and written, “I'm mute,” at the bottom.

“Oh, huh. I kinda know how to fingerspell, a little? Sorry, babe.”

Perry grimaced internally, but he couldn't say he hadn't been expecting it. Not many villains knew ASL, and fingerspelling was better than nothing.

He sized up his new enemy. She looked a little sorry about the sign language thing, but mostly she seemed cocky. Perry noticed a remote with a big red button on it in her pocket, and smirked. _Perfect_ ; this was going to be easy. But first, there was a little more first-day-stuff to get through.

Perry grabbed his notebook and wrote, _You can monologue at me; I'm used to it_.

The Mycolo-Miss squinted at him. “Nice try, but I'm not, like, a _freshman_ , Agent P.”

What the hell was _that_ supposed to mean? Before Perry could react, the Mycolo-Miss sprung backwards onto a platform Perry hadn't noticed. The platform lifted twenty feet into the air, and walls rose from the sides, completely enclosing her in an opaque white dome in less than a minute.

It was a solid panic room, but she’d forgotten to trap him. An amplified cackle projected from the walls of the mushroom structure. It went on for a good five seconds, and Perry grabbed the climbing suction cups out of his hat. He listened with half an ear to the Mycolo-Miss's monologue as he scaled the structure.

“I've figured out how to crossbreed the common housecat and the fungi _Pleurotus rattenburyi_ to make a glorious hybrid better than any creature this world has ever seen! No more will our houses be ruled by boring _animals_ that just eat and shed everywhere and yell all the time, oh my god, I mean my grandparents have like three cats and it's just like, _why?_ Why, when you could have the magnificence of my beautiful _fun-felines_ instead! – Oh, I guess you can't see them, but they're really cute. I gave them these whiskers they can use to consume materials, mostly wood, and they have these little mushroom caps on top of their heads.”

“They're _adorable_ ,” Liz contributed. “I can't wait to see people start adopting them from the – ”

The Mycolo-Miss spoke over her girlfriend while Perry rested for a second, wiping the sweat from his brow. OWCA needed to upgrade their suction cup technology. “They ended up kind of like, purple, somehow? That wasn't what I was expecting, but they'll be a sight to see _roaming around in the city parks,_ Liz.”

Perry pushed aside the uneasy feeling that he was missing something; he was already at the dome and this would be over with soon. He cut a hole in the bottom of the platform and launched himself through it, landing in a fighting stance.

The Mycolo-Miss was reaching for the remote in her pocket, standing next to what looked like a bootleg OWCA hovercar with cages strapped to it. Luckily, she was facing away from him. _Easy_. Perry threw himself across the room, and snatched the remote out of her hand. He pressed the red button, smirking.

– Something was wrong.

The Mycolo-Miss was staring at him. “Uhhhhh, okay? I guess you can handle the slideshow if you want?”

 _The_ – Perry looked at the remote, and then the Mycolo-Miss, and then her perfectly intact hovercar and cages. “ _The slideshow?_ ” he signed, remembering halfway through that she didn't understand sign. Hopefully it was clear from context.

“Yeah, like, that's the projector remote, babe. Did... did you expect to just press a button and blow up my whole scheme, or something?”

Completely wrong-footed and a little sheepish, Perry shrugged and handed back the remote. The Mycolo-Miss took it like it was a bomb about to go off. He gestured at her to go on, still scrambling to re-gain his balance.

“Okayyyy? Uh. Good luck catching up, Agent P!” With another cackle, the Mycolo-Miss stomped a button on the floor, hopped into her hovercar, and zoomed out of the roof of the mushroom dome.

Perry had the sinking feeling that he'd just screwed up.

* * *

He thought it through while sprinting towards the parking lot he'd parked his hovercar in, trying to make up for lost time. He hadn't explored Seattle much, but it was a big city; there had to be a lot of city parks. Was she just going to drop the cages at random?

He opened up OWCA's CCTV tap, attempting to catch a glimpse of any purple cat-like figures or hovercars in the many park feeds. No, no, no –

On the seventeenth mostly-empty gray feed, Perry realized something.

 _Why_ , Perry wondered, _would she make a Powerpoint if she's just going to release them into the parks?_

Liz. Liz had mentioned 'adoption', before the Mycolo-Miss had interrupted her. Perry switched the feed to 'nearby pet stores', just in time to see a cobbled-together purple hovercar screeching to a stop in the parking lot.

Perry's lips curved into a smile. _Gotcha_.

* * *

“ – And these are the hyphae; you can see them reaching for my finger to try and consume it! While _Pleurotus rattenburyi_ typically eat fallen wood, it seems that the common cat's carnivorous nature has influenced the hybrids – _Shit._ ” The Mycolo-Miss spotted Perry and scrambled onto the counter.

Perry took in the situation. The Mycolo-Miss was now standing on the check-out counter, using the remote to change the slides she'd set up behind her as customers screamed, running pell-mell from the weird violet _things_ covering the room. A few people had climbed onto the shelves, knocking down merchandise in the panic, but the fun-felines were already surrounding them, gnawing on the wood.

He needed to get people out of here before he did anything else. Perry whistled sharply, ushering a few people who were already near the door out and trapping two fun-felines that tried to follow under an aquarium. He shot his grappling hook at the ceiling, and grabbed three more employees in one graceful arc, almost throwing them out the door.

 _There_ , only four more. Perry grabbed a rack of collapsed dog cages and ran down one of the main aisles, blocking off side aisles to create a safe path. One fun-feline squirmed through, and Perry threw it back over the impromptu fence, pushing the last victims towards the exit.

Which meant that the only person left was –

“CYBY!” The Mycolo-Miss screeched. “Ow! That is _not_ how we treat Mommy! Ow ow ow!”

Perry sighed. His new enemy might not be much like Heinz so far, but it seemed she had the same knack for schemes that ended up hurting herself more than anyone else.

He used his grappling hook to get over to the counter. Just as he landed on the counter, the line broke.

Perry stared at his broken grappling hook, and at the dozens of fun-felines now advancing on the counter.

“Oh, uh, sorry, that's like, my bad? I kind of maybe launched some spores at your line when you were using it earlier – oh whatever, Agent P, you were kidnapping my audience! I was totally gonna convince them fun-felines are the best pets ever!”

Perry raised an eyebrow and gestured around himself.

The Mycolo-Miss raised her arms in supplication. “Okay maybe there's still a few bugs! But have you even _tried_ petting one?”

Perry didn't dignify that with a response. “ _P.L.A.N_.?” he fingerspelled slowly.

“Uhhh,”

Great, so it was up to him, then. Spare him villains who didn't consider what to do if their inventions went awry. As the counter lurched menacingly, Perry dug through the supplies he had on him. Suction cups, no. Lighter, maybe, but too slow. Ducky Momo handcuffs – _why_ did he still have those – never mind, his supplies were a bust.

The counter lurched again, and one purple tendril brushed his foot. Perry looked around the pet supplies scattered across the counter, and spotted –

He lunged for the spray can of fungicide just as the counter finally gave out, and sprayed it in an arc around himself, clamping his eyes closed.

The counter creaked one last time, and was silent.

Perry opened one eye and looked around him.

The fun-felines were acting like cats who'd just been hit by a sprinkler, meowing and backing away from him. The Mycolo-Miss was collapsed dramatically over the remains of the desk, groaning. And Perry was, somehow, alive.

He got up, dusted himself off, and dragged the Mycolo-Miss out of the pet store by her ear.

* * *

As he dropped the last of the horrible little gremlins off at the zoo, Perry found himself in a better mood than he'd been in all week. Wrangling them back into their cages had been easy once he had the fungicide, and the Mycolo-Miss had sulked off back to her cave once her plan had failed. It was going to be really fun to go home and hear what the boys had come up with today –

Perry's stomach dropped to his toes.

Right.

He flew back to Peter the Panda's place, and tried not to think of anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that all of the OCs have been introduced, if you can guess the inspiration for all four of them (Liz, Amanita/the Mycolo-Miss, the Commitment King, and Richard Q) then I will draw you something of your choice or write you a drabble ;) Some of them are more obvious than others. 
> 
> <3 hope you are all as safe as you can be.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, sorry this is late! And the last chapter, too! I just lost track of time today.

“So you see, when I'm done with my plan, all the roofs in Seattle will be seeded with fresh mushrooms, which will like, totally be great for disadvantaged youths _and_ hungry criminals!”

A hollow log _thwumped_ down right on top of him. The Mycolo-Miss had started to make an effort with the traps, but she didn't have much of a knack for it. The wood was rotten and soft and about one good month from decomposing on its own.

Perry wondered if the Mycolo-Miss had thought about the potential structural problems of using roofs to grow wood-eating fungi. Probably not.

Wasn't worth trying to point out, either. Perry pulled his arms out of the trunk with minimal effort, and signed, “ _Wooooo, I'm trapped_.”

“Don't think I don't see the sarcastic expression on your face! Like, I'm trying my best here, and I feel like your heart's not even in it? Like, you didn't even react to my sick MY-ceiling-um joke, and that was _solid_.”

“It really was, babe!” Liz yelled.

The Mycolo-Miss grinned. “See, Agent P? It was solid! So what gives?”

Perry shrugged. The Mycolo-Miss and Liz were both still learning ASL, so it wasn't like he could've explained, unless he wanted to write a novel in his cheap dollar-store notebook.

Besides, they were so _young_. The Mycolo-Miss had graduated from SUE two years ago, and Liz only had a year on her.

The Mycolo-Miss sighed noisily. “Aaaand there's the 'you wouldn't understand' look. I'd recognize that one from, like, a mile away. C'mon, Perry the Platypus, you think because we're young we haven't been through heartbreak and loss?”

Perry stiffened.

“I looked you up, you know. OWCA really needs to update its security access codes because it was _really_ easy. Doofenshmirtz changed sides, right? Well, just because you've lost the thrill of antagonism doesn't mean you can't have something special when you're on the same side! Right, babe?”

“Right!”

“You should just talk to him. Communication is the key to any relationship, Agent P,” The Mycolo-Miss said seriously.

Yeah, great, thanks for the advice. Trying to communicate with Heinz had worked out _really_ well for everyone involved, last time. Perry growled at her, kicked out of the log, and dumped over the tray of experimental spores.

The Mycolo-Miss shrieked and dived for it, but Perry was already crushing the last test tube underneath his heel. He wasn't in the mood for playing around today.

He was halfway out the door when the Mycolo-Miss said, “That wasn't even fair, it was barely even evil this time, but it seems like I hit a sore spot or something, so like, sorry?”

Despite himself, Perry paused.

“But, look, obviously things didn't end well, but like, I'm _here_ , babe. I know it's not the same but all that shit that happened is in the _past_ , kay? You gotta stop holding onto it or it'll tear you apart.”

“Also Amanita deserves better!” Liz yelled.

The Mycolo-Miss pointed into the darkness. “Yeah, that too!”

Perry took a deep breath. “ _I'll try to do better,_ ” he signed, even though they couldn't understand.

The Mycolo-Miss seemed to get the gist anyway. She smiled. “Thanks, Agent P. Or, uh! Fuck you, actually, you didn't even give me a chance to show you my PowerPoint! Mushroofs were a great idea and you just don't even, like, understand my vision!”

Perry rolled his eyes, and walked out the door.

* * *

That night was _of course_ the night Peter decided to play guidance counselor. Halfway through shitty potato poppers and an even shittier football game, Peter signed, “ _They're not coming back, Perry. They don't even remember you exist. It's kinder for both of you if you just let them go._ ”

“ _What the hell is with today?_ ” Perry signed, with considerable annoyance. “ _Can we just watch the goddamn game?_ ”

“ _No,_ ” Peter signed, because he was a bastard, and turned off the TV.

Perry sighed. “ _Okay, fine. Who do you want to talk about, Peter?_ _My family? The nemesis who slammed the door in my face and expressedly told me to go to hell? Oh, no, yeah, already forgotten them._ ”

Peter scowled. “ _I didn't say forget them. I said move on._”

“ _Easy for you to say._ ”

“ _No. It isn't._ ” And suddenly Perry remembered that night in San Francisco, and Peter getting him a hotel for no discernible reason. 'Relocation isn't easy.'

“ _Alright,_ ” Perry signed, slow. “ _I'll try._ ”

Mostly, he just didn't want to talk about this anymore, especially not with Peter, but Perry found himself contemplating it.

His ending had been clumsy, and painful, and abrupt. And despite that, it _was_ an ending. His family had forgotten him; Heinz wanted nothing to do with him. He couldn't go back.

This was his life now, and there was no getting out.

* * *

It took another two days to face the box full of platypus knick-knacks, photographs, and other memorabilia.

He took each knick-knack out of the box, laughing a little at the tacky platypus-themed magnets, the ridiculous shot glasses and spring-loaded shoes. It was all junk, and he would take every single piece of cheap junk over the Mona Lisa itself.

This one, Heinz had given him for their first neme-versary. It was horribly mangled, of course, but if you squinted you could still kind of see a deformed platypus through the soot.

And this, this was just last year. Candace had rolled her eyes but he could tell she was proud, a little, to have discovered of all things a _teal platypus_ handbag. It wasn't really his style, but he'd loved it all the same.

And the photo album the kids had given him two Christmases ago – oh, _god_.

Perry let himself cry for five minutes and forty four seconds. Then, he wiped away the tears, and started methodically placing items back in the box. It was time to move on.

He was almost to the front door when the doorbell rang.

Perry sighed. This better not be Professor Mystery in yet another cheap disguise (worn over the ski mask, for some reason. Did the guy ever wash those things?) Watching Peter and Mystery “banter” was physically painful.

Still, if it was, at least he was heading out. Perry scrubbed his eyes one last time, to make sure no trace of redness remained, and swung the door open.

The box clattered to the floor.

“There you are, Perry,” Lawrence Flynn-Fletcher said, tears shining in his eyes. “We're here to bring you home.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! 
> 
> For this story, anyway. I know there's a lot of unresolved questions, and I'm excited to get to them! The next story is much more Heinz & the Flynn-Fletchers focused, and it specifically focuses on Candace. It _will_ become clear how Lawrence ended up at that door.
> 
> I'm not sure if I'll stick with every week, or move to every-other-week, or even take a bit of a hiatus. I haven't been able to get as much of the sequel done as I would've liked; I've gotten blindsided by several other WIPs, haha. Most of the beginning of the story is done, but still, I'd like to maintain a buffer and make sure the story as a whole works before I post too much? So... we'll see. But anyway, if you subscribe to the series, you should be able to catch the next work whenever it ends up going up! 
> 
> Thank you all for all of your support! I really appreciate it and I'm glad there's people who are as interested in hearing this story as I am in telling it.

**Author's Note:**

> I am so unspeakably excited to be able to post this fic. I've been working on it for weeks, and I'm very, very proud of it. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone in the tri-state area discord server for buoying my spirits, and especially to my friend gohn and poploppege (jess), who betaed a really tricky scene and gave me some wonderful advice and encouragement about the whole fic.
> 
> This is the first fic in a two-part series. The first fic is completely done, and the second is about 70% done. I haven't figured out a posting schedule just yet, but I'm thinking that I will ask myself to finish one of the sections in the next story, and each time I do I will post one of these chapters. Or I'll just post once a week, whichever comes sooner.


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